Waiting.
I hate waiting. There’s nothing that makes me feel more unproductive. Waiting for grades to be released. Waiting for my fries to be made at Chick-fil-A in Lenoir. Waiting for slow walkers to disperse in front of me along the quad. Regardless of big or small things, waiting is So. Hard. More recently, I’ve been contemplating the bigger things, & unsurprisingly, I still feel like I’m waiting on God’s plans in a lot of areas. Waiting on God to lead me to a career path that He wants me to embark on. I know what I’m interested in - but I want my career and job postgrad to glorify God as well. How will I know that my aspirations line up with His glory? I want Him to use me FOR GOOD, through whatever I end up doing. If he wants me to do missions - great! Just give me a plan, and I’m good. I like it when God tells me directly to do something - when there’s no problem for me in discerning what He’s saying, when I can hear His voice and His will clearly. Waiting for love. I came to UNC as a baby freshman, and like the wide-eyed romantic that I am, assumed that within a few weeks I would meet the love of my life through a campus ministry or co-ed Bible study. It would probably be a “from the moment I met you, I knew you were the one” kind of moment. He would love Jesus as much as I did (hopefully more!) and be slightly more outgoing than I am, and we would have so many wonderful shared experiences as a result of meeting each other in college. Well, that hasn’t happened yet, and it’s difficult for me to feel like I’m always waiting for that someone to come into my life. Sometimes, I feel like I’m walking around with the “Is it you?” mindset when I meet guys, which isn’t the healthiest mindset. It’s exhausting walking around and doing life while feeling like you’re constantly on the lookout for someone you don’t know anything about. Recently, God has shown me that I am wrong. I’m not waiting for Friday, or for a job offer down the road that will make everything clear, or to meet my future spouse. There is so much value in the here and now that I have been missing. The fact that “big” things aren’t happening in your life right now doesn’t mean that what’s happening now isn’t important. People have told me this a million times, but that usually doesn’t make me feel any better, so I decided to see what the Bible had to say. One verse really jumped out: “The Lord says, ‘I will make you wise and show you where to go, I will guide you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8. God designs and creates every moment and time period in life. Each moment and time period is a learning experience sent to us directly from God - with a specific purpose and intent to make us “wiser” - more developed as people and believers as we go through this crazy thing called life. Even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment, God is teaching us FOR GOOD. He is making us wiser through everything that we go through - it all has a takeaway. Maybe I haven’t found love at college yet, but I sure have found some of the best people I’ve ever met - friends who have loved and supported me in Christ, been there for me, and taught me so much. Just remember that when you feel like you’re waiting on something to happen, you’re really not waiting because what you’re going through now is just as important as whatever you’re waiting on. God is with us and guides us through every step of life, even the parts where we feel the most alone and the most discouraged. Lean on God. Lean on Christ-centered friendships and relationships. And remember that it’s all part of the process of God making us wiser, better Christians in general, and more capable of loving others and sharing God’s love with the world. Thinking about my time of “waiting” through this lens has completely changed my mindset. I’m more anchored in the present, more focused, less concerned with what I think should be happening in my life. Some days are still hard and discouraging, it’s hard. But I always feel better when I read the verse mentioned above and remember that God is with me and has picked out everything for a specific reason. Everything we go through is a learning experience sent by God, and it’s a matter of transforming our mindsets to truly appreciate this.
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The last couple of weeks have been really overwhelming for me, with non-stop moving from
one task to the next. I recently took a job as a part time nanny in the afternoons and the adjustment to the schedule has been challenging. Then it dawned on me the other day; my stress and my life right now is proof of God’s love and faithfulness to me. To give some background: four years ago, the thing that most consumed my thoughts was getting into Carolina. Getting deferred and attending a community college was never a part of my plan. But it was in God’s plan. There was a reason he had me wait and I learned a lot in that year that I attended Wake Tech with understanding God’s plan versus my own. I’m now a junior at the school I’ve always wanted to attend. After living through that situation, I thought everything would work itself out and life at UNC would be amazing. I am not ashamed to say the beginning of last year was extremely hard for me. It was nothing like I thought it would be, and at one point I actually called my mom wanting to go back to Wake Tech. I survived the first few weeks and things were better, but I still hadn’t really found a place with people I could connect. I remember one night I was by myself and I just cried to God because I was confused as to why he put me here and I was miserable. The next morning, I heard about Phi Beta Chi (I love how God works). Through PBX, I have found best friends and girls who support me in anything. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, being stressed about everything I have to get done and attend is really a blessing. Being overwhelmed with this stuff means I have homework for a degree I’ve wanted for a long time, a sorority I’m passionate about, and a job that gives me spending money during the semester. I love the fact that the King of the Universe cares about what happens in my life. I think this is a good reminder for us that God is with us even in the midst of the craziness; holding every little detail in his hands. Here is a bible verse that helps me in everything: John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world” From the time that I was born, I have worried. I worry about everything. I worry if I am doing the right things, or if I have the right plans for the future. I even worry about things in the past - things I literally cannot change. Sure, a big chunk of my worrying comes from having chronic anxiety, but I think that another pressure that drives so much of my day-to-day stress is the desire to fix and to save everything. As women, we are taught that it is our responsibility to oversee and fix - I think that society teaches us this since women are usually expected to be the primary children-raisers, but that doesn't mean that the pressure doesn't set in much, much sooner. On top of that, as college students, we are also constantly bombarded with the message that the decisions we make today will change the course of our entire lives. It is no wonder that we feel compelled to control every aspect and minute detail of everything that affects our lives. And while we may know in the back of our minds that God's got it, do we realize that God has it now? God calls us to a purpose, but it is not our purpose to solve everything. No matter how hard I try, I can't control what others think of me or what other people do. It isn't my job to. Even though it can be so easy to see a problem and say "wait, I can help solve this," I so often forget that God may have another person chosen to be the superhero for that conflict. By trying to take on more responsibility that we can truly handle, we risk losing faith that God is truly in control - not to mention that we can't give our own 100% if we are taking on way more than 100%. God has a giant master plan that involves the use of everyone - the burden of saving the world does not lie on only your shoulders. You are allowed to release the reins on the control of your life just a little bit, and have faith that God isn't going to let you suffer for things that you cannot control.
If there is one thing I have learned at my time at Carolina thus far is that you have to take some things that people say with a grain of salt. It amazes me sometimes how someone can be so stuck in their ways and close minded about their own ideas that they would rather strike someone down instead of hearing them out. Girls especially can be so mean that it leaves me feeling confused. Why do we not build each other up? More times than in this life we are going to find ourselves in situations where bluntness will be valued over kindness; and scenarios will be overwhelmed with opinions instead of overwhelmed with compassion.
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is he who is a fool.” – Proverbs 18:13 I am as good of an example as they come of someone who can be overwhelmed by passion. I am EXTREMELY passionate about the three Cs. Christianity, Carolina, and Chicfila. We as humans are destined to be passionate, stubborn and close minded. It is just simply our nature. However, more often than not I find myself taken aback at how new information can change the way I think about a person, a group of people, a place, or a thing. More often than not I find that I will kick myself for quickly judging a person based on this idea I have in my head of what “people like them” are supposed to be. It is not only with people that I found myself doing this. I would sometimes realize that at work that another person’s perspective changed the way I viewed a situation. It would be only then that I realized I had let my anxiety take over and had gotten worked up over nothing. My friends and family have to tell me constantly to “cool down”. We all need that fail safe in our lives. A time that when we are getting worked up over politics, faith, work policy, or school that we can take a step back and cool down. When did we as a society get to the point where we would rather fight over an issue then try to listen to the other person to work it out? When did yelling at someone about their ideas ever get anything done? I wish we would approach every situation with grace and an open mind instead of anger and frustration. Whether that is someone who is affiliated with different political party than you or someone who interpreted a bible verse differently. God didn’t create us to continue to dig ourselves into holes during arguments. He didn’t want us to constantly feel like we can’t speak our mind or let our voices be heard. He created us to preach his word regardless of fear. We should realize that sometimes what other people have to say, it may not be what we agree with, but it may be what we need to hear. I challenge you, dear reader, to stop using your words as your weapon of choice. Don’t go into a battle when your opinions as an armor because you will lose every single time. Approach every situation with grace, an open mind, and a grateful heart. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish. Many times throughout my day or week I find myself feeling inadequate. Am I pretty enough?
Am I smart enough? Do I deserve God’s love? Do I fall short of what people expect of me? The list could go on and on. These thoughts and anxieties can be overwhelming at times and I begin to question whether I am even worthy to have a relationship with God. But this is when He stops me and reminds me that I am worthy in his eyes. There are so many examples in the bible where God shows us this. Such as in Song of Songs 4:7, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you,” Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,” and Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s handiwork.” So always remember you don’t need anyone to tell you who you are or what you are worth- because who we are and what we are worth was settled on the cross. God loves us no matter what we have done or what we think about ourselves. He sent His Son to die for me and you and for our brokenness and that even when we fail Him he still loves us. His love is unconditional and we are worthy in His eyes. At spiritual night the other night there was a question about what we run to when we’re tired – emotionally and physically. I’ve been thinking about this question and thinking about what kind of tired I’ve been lately and I think I’m finding myself in a season of being spiritually tired. For some background, I wasn’t raised in an especially religious family. We talked about God when people died and I knew that the Bible existed, but I knew nothing about it. I became more of a Christian in high school, and then really dove in my sophomore year of college after the first time I went to Passion.
This year I went back to Passion and I came home feeling close to God again and feeling motivated to keep that up. I was really involved in church and in the sorority, so I felt good about the progress I had made and I felt like it was super sustainable. What I’ve found, though, is that progress is always super sustainable when everything in my life is going well. But like any other season, the good season eventually changed and I started to pull away from God. I was running in the wrong direction. I’m a fan of honesty, so I’ll tell you the truth: I’m still running in the wrong direction every day. And I think a lot of us are. It’s hard to run to God when you’re upset when you’d rather run to your best friend for a hug, or to Chick-Fil-A for ice cream, or to work for a distraction. It’s easier to run to a quick and temporary solution than it is to be patient and let God work His magic. So easy, in fact, that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. The past several weeks I’ve been feeling really far away from God – like when I talk to Him, I’m talking to myself. Probably this is my own fault, because when you spend too much time running in the wrong direction, it’s natural to feel distant from the thing you’re running from. But the beauty of our God is that that distance we feel when we do this is all in our heads. God is just as close to me as He was the day after Passion. He is just as ready to listen as He was the day I became a Christian. He loves me just as much as He did the day I was born. And no amount of running in any direction could ever change that. This is grace, guys. And boy and I thankful that God has enough grace to chase me when I don’t chase him. So here’s to changing directions and running back to a God who never fails us, who always loves us and who has enough grace to go around. The transition to college was rough for me, as I’m sure it is for a lot of people. I came into school my freshman year with an idea of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. As I got engrossed in making new friends and settling into a new rhythm, I began to neglect my spirituality. I didn’t hold the Lord in my heart as I once had, as I should. And then I had the nerve to question Him when my idea of a perfect life wasn’t manifesting. I had never felt lower in my life. I felt alone, abandoned.
Of course, it’s easy to look back now and realize that I was the one turning my back on God, not the other way around. I had in my head an idea of why my life should be and this idea unfortunately didn’t include putting God first. It’s been a long journey coming to terms with this and recentering my life around God. But as I’m putting myself back on the path that He has laid out for me I’m realizing that it is so much better than anything I could conceive. When I reflect on this journey, I’m reminded of the song “If You Ain’t In It” by Danny Gokey. The lyrics that hit home for me the most are: I’ve chased all the good stuff All the bad stuff Stuff the world calls living But that ain’t living If you’re following your own worldly desires, you aren’t really living. Living for God is the only way to truly live. And trust me, He has a path laid out for you. You just have to trust in Him that it is the right path. Something I struggled with for a while, especially after retiring gymnastics was my identity and confidence. It took me a long time to find myself again. Even before my freshmen year here, my faith was really shaky and I was far from the Kelsey everyone knew and loved. Well, since then I have come a long way. Around sophomore year, I found myself in God again and my faith has been stronger than ever before. I also joined Phi Beta Chi around that same time and I think that has helped a lot- being constantly surrounded by beautiful, uplifting, Christ loving women can really make a difference in your life.
When I found my walk with God again, I truly found myself and found a new confidence in me. I say that because in all that time I was worrying about who I am, who I am going to become, or not knowing who I was, I forgot that first and foremost, I am a child of God. I am his daughter. That is where my identity lies. Everything that I do outside of that, comes from that and is worked through me by the Lord himself. By living life as a child of God, every other aspect of my life has fallen into place and has helped shape other parts of me and my identity. As I transition into a new season of my life- graduation and finding a job, I found myself worrying again. Who am I going to be? Who have I been? When I start to doubt myself, I find myself looking at Psalm 139:14. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I know full well that God loves me and created me to be special. I know His works and plans for me are extraordinary and happen on His time. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made through him, as a daughter to him. I know that I am strong, beautiful and capable of anything because of Him. If I could choose one word to describe the first two months of 2019, it would be WILD. The Lord has broken me and pieced me back together in ways I never imagined He could, let alone would. He is continuously reminding me of His unending faithfulness and love for me, and I’m so expectant for the rest of the year.
When I was in the thick of the breaking down near the beginning of January, I rediscovered the song “Defender,” written by Steffany Gretzinger, John-Paul Gentile, and Rita Springer, and fell in love with it. The first lines of the song go like this: You go before I know That You've gone to win my war You come back with the head of my enemy You come back and You call it my victory (Listen to the rest here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za-yGR3sbNw) The point is, The Lord is working in MIRACULOUS ways that we cannot even begin to fathom. Even when it feels like we’ve completely lost ourselves. Even when it feels like everything is falling apart. Even when we don’t know what the next right thing is. He continues to directs our steps and walk faithfully beside us, regardless of whether or not we’ve asked Him to. I encourage you to lean into His faithfulness and trust Him to walk with you regardless of your circumstances. He is so good y’all. So very good. And so very faithful. I think sometimes we all get caught up in the moment. It’s easy to think about how the only thing that matters is that big test you have tomorrow or that new pair of shoes you really want. We get stuck on these earthly things that in the end won’t really matter. When this happens, it’s important to gain a little perspective. In the end, God is the only thing that will remain. As it says in 1 Timothy 6:7, “For we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.” What’s important is life is not your GPA or how many Instagram followers you have; it’s about living for God that is forever. It’s hard to imagine what God has in store for us when we are so caught up with what is troubling us in our lives now, but I encourage you to do what Colossians 3:2 says: “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
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Author"Stories of Our Sisterhood" is a collection of writings by a variety of sisters, representing many areas of study, backgrounds, and talents. We love them and are so thankful for their willingness to share their stories and for being such important pieces in the beautiful mosaic of our sisterhood! |